Growing Up

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I can't remember all my childhood memories, but I do remember feeling left out. I stayed with my grandmother from birth until just before I started school. According to my late mom, she had to work and couldn't look after me. This made sense, but how did she manage with my two brothers who were born three and four years after me? This is a question I never asked and now can't ask anyone, so it will always remain a mystery.

I started school in 1980 in Delmas. That year, my dad changed jobs four times, and I attended four different primary schools. Looking at a school picture my mom had, I looked very sad, though I don't know why. Also, in that year, my sister was born. From her birth, I was shown how to look after her. I remember during my last term in Pretoria, we had a lady who looked after us, cooked, and cleaned. My mom was not working then.

We moved to Germiston in 1981 when my dad started working for the railways. We stayed in a two-bedroom house where all four of us kids shared one room. I started Grade 2 at Laerskool Germiston. My mom did not work, and my dad worked long hours; we barely saw him, and he was largely absent from our lives. I was not a very happy child and did not get along with my mom; I felt like she hated me. At the age of seven, I had to clean, look after my siblings, and cook for everyone. My mom would lie on her bed reading books and watching TV shows. She would scream when things were not cleaned to her satisfaction and complain if the food was not cooked properly. I felt like a throwaway child.

As I grew older, things did change a bit. The boys started helping with some tasks, but it was always just me who had to perform well at school, or I was told I was stupid. If we did something wrong, we would get beaten, and it was always my fault. I hated my life. I started living in my own dream world, imagining I had an older sister who looked out for me, and I actually told this to the kids at school. I would lie about everything to my schoolmates because I feared being judged. I was ashamed of my family, where we lived, and what we had.

I loved going to school, except when it was a "siffy" day because the kids would tease me about what I wore. I did well in school and was always in the top 10 academic achievers. I received many first places for the 1200m and was always among the top five in high jump. I played ring ball, and our team went to the SA’s in my last year of primary school. I had one best friend from Standard One, and we are still friends. I also played in the school band and was involved in the choir. Despite these activities, I was very shy and got extremely sick if I had to read or give a speech in front of my classmates. Apart from my best friend, I could never start a conversation with anyone. I was too scared that I would sound stupid and not know what to say or how to say it.

My mom came to watch one, maybe two, of my ring ball games. Because my parents didn't have much money, it was hard to always get to the activities I had to attend. My friends' parents helped, and one of my teachers took me under her wing and paid for many things so I could participate in all the events. I had no confidence. I was teased at school for having pimples, and it was bad. I was even scared to get out of bed at night to go to the bathroom. During school holidays, my dad's only sister always came to fetch me to stay with them. When I started my period, my aunt was the one to explain and show me everything. I felt like I was not part of my family; I felt like an outsider. My sister was a pretty girl, and I was jealous of her as I saw myself as the ugly duckling. The boys were just boys, and I didn't spend much time with them. I felt that my mom didn't want me and that I was in her way. She used to only take my sister to KFC at the end of the month on payday to buy burgers while the rest of us were at school.

I don't know why I used to feel this way because writing it all down now, it sounds silly, like "so what, it happened," but back then, it was the worst feeling. These feelings and actions just intensified as I went to high school. I know when we grow up, we feel lost because we don't know where we belong, but some of us are extra sensitive, and it makes the bad feelings feel so extreme.

With my own kids, I decided to try and make their lives better, to make them feel loved and wanted. I was involved in every aspect of their lives and made myself available at all their events. I encouraged them to participate in everything, and luckily, I was married to a financially stable man who could provide the best for them. I realised that not everyone is capable of or able to always provide the best, something we don't think about as children. I also realised that not all parents raise their children the same way; it depends on how you decide to do it. Some of us who have gone through a hard childhood will change our ways to make life better for our kids, while others will raise their kids the same way they were raised.

I always wanted to find someone who could help me remember everything that happened to me while growing up, but now I am at a point in my life where I have grown so much that I don't want to reopen old wounds. I have made peace with everything I can remember and how I used to feel. I encourage every woman who is still holding on to their past to sit down and write their story from childhood, read it to themselves if they don't want to share it, accept and acknowledge it, and make peace with it. Holding onto things that happened in the past, which were out of your control, holds you back from growing and making decisions about who you want to be and what you want to do. I have done research on all my feeling and according to what I found the following explanations were given:

1. Attachment Theory

• Attachment theory suggests that the bond between a child and their primary caregiver has a profound impact on their development. Secure attachment results from caregivers who are consistently responsive and attentive, leading to a sense of security. In contrast, inconsistent or neglectful caregiving can result in feelings of insecurity and unworthiness, which might explain your feelings of being unwanted or unloved.

2. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

• ACEs are potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood, such as neglect, abuse, or household dysfunction. High ACE scores are associated with long-term negative outcomes in mental and physical health. Your experiences of feeling neglected, having to take on adult responsibilities, and feeling emotionally unsupported can be considered adverse childhood experiences.

3. Learned Helplessness

• Learned helplessness is a condition in which a person feels powerless to change their situation due to repeated exposure to uncontrollable events. Your childhood experiences of being unfairly blamed and feeling powerless to change your circumstances might have contributed to feelings of helplessness and low self-esteem.

4. Self-Esteem and Self-Concept

• Self-esteem refers to an individual's overall sense of self-worth or personal value. Self-concept is how someone perceives themselves, including their beliefs and feelings about their abilities and characteristics. Negative experiences in childhood, such as being criticized or feeling neglected, can lead to poor self-esteem and a negative self-concept, which may explain your feelings of inadequacy and fear of being judged.

5. Resilience

• Despite adverse experiences, many individuals develop resilience, the ability to adapt and thrive despite challenges. Your involvement in school activities, maintaining a close friendship, and later efforts to provide a different upbringing for your own children demonstrate resilience. Resilience is often supported by protective factors like positive relationships with other adults (e.g., your aunt and teacher) and personal achievements.

6. Cognitive Distortions

• Cognitive distortions are irrational or biased ways of thinking that can contribute to emotional distress. Common distortions include overgeneralization, catastrophizing, and personalization. Your feelings of being at fault for negative events and fears of judgment might be influenced by such distortions.

7. Post-Traumatic Growth

• Post-traumatic growth refers to positive psychological changes that occur as a result of struggling with challenging life circumstances. Your decision to provide a better upbringing for your children and your reflections on making peace with your past suggest elements of post-traumatic growth.

Recommendations:

• Therapy: Speaking with a therapist can help explore and process these feelings. Therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and trauma-focused therapy can be particularly beneficial.

• Journaling: As you suggested in your blog, writing down your thoughts and experiences can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and healing.

• Support Groups: Connecting with others who have had similar experiences can provide a sense of community and understanding.

Understanding these psychological concepts can help contextualize your experiences and provide a framework for continued personal growth and healing.

Ladies look after yourselves, go out and find help if you can not help yourself, it is very important for your mental health. Writing and sharing our experiences can be therapeutic and can have an impact on others.

Empowering Woman.